Le Grand Détour

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 There is a legend that no-one really remembers, a fascinating tale that goes by one name, transmitted through the generations and which continues to feed the most vivid and crazy fantasies. The White Knight of Angkor is part of this legend. This brave hero with bulging muscles who mysteriously disappeared in the ruins of Angkor nearly 10 years ago. Though no-one has found any trace of his existence, though specialists and world renowned archaeologists have not been able to clear up this mystery, though hordes of crying, teenage girls are still hugging their pillows at night dreaming of being in his arms, who can still believe in his existence? Who can be crazy enough, and handsome enough at the same time, to set forth on the impossible quest for the White Knight of Angkor?

Yes, there is only one. And seeing him, lounging sensually on the huge rock, the paragon of coolitude, we want to believe in him….Indiana Bob!

If Indiana Bob believes in the quest, it’s thanks to his old Khmer-Kungfu Master who revealed the secret from his deathbed: the White Knight of Angkor has found refuge in a wooden house in the jungle in order to escape the mounting media pressure and the hormonal pressure from the hordes of young women who continuously insist on sending him their little panties in the post. Life is hard for superheroes. Despite having sworn to keep the secret, the Master could not live with himself if he’d taken this secret to the grave and so he called for Indiana Bob.

« In the jungle…the White Knight…he’s…Be careful of the roots…The mirror… » were the last words that he breathed.  Not a lot to go on. But impossible challenges didn’t scare Indiana Bob. Especially as he was not alone. For his genius had made him recruit an assistant who was not only beautiful but incredibly intelligent, with an outstanding sense of orientation and with a secret crush on the White Knight of Angkor, Sara Kroft.

Armed with only these weak clues and his stunning and charming assistant, he runs into the jungle, without fear and irreprochable.

« The roots, the roots… », he mutters to himself, « Be careful of the roots ». Despite looking everywhere, he sees nothing that fits the description in his eyes. What could his dying Master have meant?

But as soon as he stops and leans briefly on a nearby tree trunk he’s savagely attacked by a Python-root.

He is saved only by his Herculean strength and his over-developed intellect. In any case, that’s what he tells his pretty and talented assistant Sara Kroft who seems a little unimpressed. Indiana Bob decides therefore to show her a demonstration of his powers.

« Look, I will hold up this rock with just my intellect », he says to her.

As Sara Kroft remains visibly unimpressed, Indiana Bob ups the ante by holding up the rock, no longer with his head, but with ONE little finger! He is strong, Indiana Bob. And he knows it.

Suddenly he hears a cracking noise coming from the jungle. « Quick, let’s run and hide », he says to his vivacious and honest assistant Sara Kroft without waiting for her. Who knows, it could be a ferocious beast or, worse still, some of the White Knights enemies who have followed them here. God alone knows what they are capable of.

Being a Master himself in the art of camouflage, Indiana Bob decides to hide behind a small stack of stones to disappear from view.

False alert, the noise was simply caused by a bird.

Indiana Bob and his tall and curvy assistant Sara Kroft head ever further into the depths of the hostile jungle. After numerous hours of walking they face a dilemma: the path that they have followed until now, splits into two. Which path should they take? Left or right?

It is at this moment that Indiana Bob decides to call on Sara’s famous sense of orientation. For her, the decision was clear and easy…head right!

So they do.

This is when they cross the path of a hermit wearing blue sandals and sharpening enormous wooden toothpicks with his axe. « Strange », says Indiana Bob to himself, « blue sandals when we are looking for the White Knight. This hermit must know something ».

« Friend or foe? », asks the hermit without lifting his head from his work.

Slyly, Indiana Bob replies « We are the enemy of your enemies ».

« So will you come with me to hunt the vile animal that is the White Knight? », replies the hermit. Sara Kroft cannot help but to react « How can you say… » but Indiana Bob stops her in mid-sentence.

He replies to the hermit « Yes, we will chase this depraved animal. But first, tell us, what did he do to you to make you hate him so much? »

« What did he do to me? I’ll tell you what he did. He fucked my wife and ran off with her, that’s what he did! » replies the hermit « and ever since, I have been sharpening these over-sized toothpicks so that I can kebab his balls when I catch up with him ».

By Jove! Indiana Bob and Sara Kroft glance at each other, finding it hard to believe. The White Knight could have done such a thing? After too much time alone in the jungle, he must have fallen victim to his overactive libido, says Indiana Bob to himself understandingly. Poor man. In the meantime though this hermit may have some more information.

« You’re right, Hermit, the White Knight is a…ummm…horrible person. But could you lead us to where you saw him for the last time? »

Despondently the hermit agrees. Though not before running behind a nearby rock and returning dressed in a brand new brown uniform.

Blue sandals, brown uniform…white knight. Indiana Bob is now sure, he’s on the right path! After two hours trekking through the jungle the hermit stops.

« I go no further, but I will show you where I saw him for the last time », he says pulling out a mirror from his pocket.

A mirror! Like the Master said. There is no doubt about it now, the White Knight has never been so close!

Using his mirror the hermit angles the light to point to the river bed.

Indiana Bob then recognises the hundreds of lingams, the phallic symbol of energy and life. The White Knight must have engraved this on his way past. But only the most intelligent of heroes could make this link. Thanking the hermit, he and Sara Kroft carry on their quest. By now though, Sara Kroft is getting tired and decides to stop for a while on a swing that has been handily placed nearby (in the middle of the jungle).

Indiana Bob screams at her « NOOoooooooooooooo », but it is too late. The swing is actually a viper-liana which attackes both of them!! Indiana Bob pulls Sara Kroft out of the liana’s grip but is thrown to the ground violently.

There he finds himself trapped, tied up like a bundle of sticks on the ground. Sara Kroft is unconscious next to him. There is no hope left…

It’s at this point that he remembers the teachings of his old Master and the ancient meditation techniques that he used to practice for hours.

He remembers and finds the force to escape by smashing the head of the viper-liana using his intellect. Phew! That was a close call.

Indiana Bob wakes Sara Kroft who is totally disoriented. As he himself is too. What direction should they head in now? Where is the White Knight hiding?

Indiana Bob ponders for a while. The words of his old Master pass through his head. « When you doubt in yourself, listen to nature ». Nature, nature, sounds good, but… Just at that moment he spots a termite mound. He, who dropped Latin in order to take Termite at school!! What a spot of luck! He asks the termites the question and listens carefully for a reply.

« Fool! The White Knight’s house is just behind you! » reply the termites in unison. Feeling vexed, Indiana Bob stamps on the termite mound until it’s totally destroyed, before returning to Sara Kroft.

No, it can’t be! The termites were right…there is a house just behind him!

They both run towards the house, caution thrown to the wind, but it is empty…not even a trace of the White Knight of Angkor. And yet, they believed. All the clues coincided and pointed here. The roots, the colours, the mirror, the termites…everything!!

Just as all hope was lost, a noise comes from behind the house, a kind of breathing. They slowly approach, their hearts beating loudly. And what they see made their hearts freeze…

The White Knight has transformed into White Mongrel! It can’t be true! And yet, there is something familiar in this dog’s look as it starts rubbing itself excitedly against Sara Kroft’s leg.

« No, the world is not ready for this », says Indiana Bob to himself, « No-one can know the truth. Ever. »

And so, when he’s found a large rock on which to take a well-earned cool pause, Indiana Bob can’t help smiling from the corner of his mouth. After all, he found the trace of the White Knight. He’s the Boss. He’s so amazing this Indiana Bob.

The end.